New Life Goal

I have a new mission in life. I am going to train all the deer in the world to use crosswalks with traffic lights or at least those yellow flashing lights so when people are driving they know there is a deer. Deer crossing the road in the darkness of night is not safe. Not for the deer and not for the people driving 130 kmph (80 mph) because they just want to go home and go to bed. Why is this suddenly my mission in life? Because last night as I was driving home at said speed down the lonely road across northern Germany two deer came gallivanting across the road in front of me which made me have to slam on the brakes and swerve a little to the left missing Bambi by probably just a few inches.
On my weekly Wednesday drive home from institute I decided that I didn't want to listen to the radio, I would rather sing Christmas songs. That eventually evolved into love songs which in turn went to Disney songs. I was on Mulan, singing all the words I could remember when all the women are bathing and dressing her for the matchmaker. Just as I got to the grandmama "An apple for serenity. A pendant for balance. Beads of jade for beauty, you must proudly show it." And just then, right before "Now add a cricket just for luck, and even you can't blow it." I saw in front of me something in the road. By the time I realized it wasn't just going to go bounding across I knew there wouldn't be time to stop completely. I stomped my foot hard on the brakes hoping that they were at least the one thing in this car that still functioned properly and luckily they work. As I braced for impact and my tires squealed from the friction I slowed from 130 km/h to about 50 km/h (30 mph) in probably three seconds flat and jerked smoothly (if there is such a thing as a smooth jerk) into the left lane just barely missing the second deer. After I realized we had all made it through ok I pulled over so that I could get my heart rate to slow down a little. It was quite the adrenaline rush. I even got out of the car to check for marks to make sure I really didn't hit the poor stupid animal. I had already coasted too far away from the place of the incident to just walk back, perhaps I should have but I don't like being alone in the dark.
It was an experience that will not be easily forgotten, even though when I play it back in my mind it is still as blurry as when it actually happened. Everything went so fast, and when I pulled my car to the side of the road it felt like I was in a movie; such a surreal feeling that I hope I never experience again.

Random nonesense

I'm kneeling at my desk, because I'm sick of sitting, and I have a lot of thoughts going through my head so I thought I would blog them out of my system. We'll start with the freshest on my mind. I have this friend from a while ago that just got married in May. In all the pictures I've seen of them on her page on Myspace it seemed like they were really happy. Well over the past month or so I've noticed that she's been putting up a lot more pictures with some other guy. Turns out she's already getting divorced. Barely six months. It's sad really. There are people that practically make professions out of getting divorced (speaking generally know, not about said friend). Think about it, from a woman's perspective it's perfect. Marry some rich guy and as long as you don't fall for the pre-nup you're set, all that alamony. And even better, have a kid with the guy and get child support. Free money. Every woman's dream.
The other night I was alone with the girls and I didn't feel like making dinner so I spent three Euro and bought us each a burger from McDonalds. Mimi was in the car with me so I asked her if she would rather have a plain hamburger or a cheeseburger. She asked me what a cheeseburger is. Granted the word for cheese in German is Käse (KAY-suh) but still, a 7 year old that doesn't know what a cheeseburger is. It blew my mind a little.
Two months and counting! I am so excited to be going home it's unbelievable. I will go back to having a normal life with friends and a real job. And most importantly a family that isn't so strange to me. If I have ever talked to you about this family you know what I have to live with. Sure it's just because they are different than what I'm used to and every family has their own way of doing things but my goodness gracious these people are practically the other end of the spectrum compared to my family. They are so disfunctional that they are functional. But barely so. The dad is still attatched to his mom. The mom has little to practically no patience. The oldest child is a baby. The youngest child is probably the most sane from them all, but she's still young and naive. I just want to go home, have a social life again and start figuring out what I want to study at school.

Hamburg pics

I went to Hamburg a few weekends ago to stay with my friend and have a little Thanksgiving feast. The next day we roamed the streets of Hamburg for a little while and came across this little park. The first draw was a slide, but then it ended up getting better by the second. I even wrestled an alligator!






And then because it was so much fun Janae gave it a whirl as well.









There was a cool pirate ship wreck so Nichole and Janae climbed aboard to find some treasure.








There may not have been treasure but at least now we know if we ever find a real pirate ship that still floats, Janae is going to be the captain.





And since we're girls of course you can't see the front of a ship and not think of Titanic so here Nichole is playing the part of Rose and Janae is playing the role of Jack. And scene!





Next in our discoveries were a few small houses. Nichole and I wedged ourselves into one of them. I know that Hamburg is a big city and they want to fit as many apartments as possible in here, but really this is a little too much... Or should I say too little.







I'm not really sure why but Nichole felt the need to try and climb out above the door. Good thing it didn't quite work and she got a little stuck.






I tried to be cool and slide out real quick but that didn't really work to well either.








Check it out! It's Snoopy! We decided it was small enough and it's basically the shape of a dog house so why not.


Our adventure then took us to the Christmas Market in the town square by the City Hall. This picture took 3 minutes to take (at least) because we had gotten there just after the train had driven by so we had to wait for it to go all the way around and come back. Let me tell you, it was a long row of booths. And because the train took so long to come I got bored and frustrated and made this face.



All the Christmas lights at the market.







The Three Amigos. Janae, Maren, Nichole










The coolest Burger King in the world! It's freaking sweet!



I'm super stretchy!









We found our own little castle. They had some kid toys just out on the street so of course I had to play.





I'm supposed to be ripping down the castle because I'm a giant.

Thanksgiving

In the spirit of Thanksgiving being tomorrow I thought I would list some things I'm thankful for. These are in no particular order, just the order that I think of them in.

Friends that know what to say to cheer me up when I'm having a down day, that have kept talking to me even though I'm so far away, and who don't make the silence awkward when we have nothing to say. (I didn't mean for this to be poetic but whatever.)

Animated GIFs
Lyrics


Family that is there no matter what.

Knowing that I have less than three months until I can go home and hang out with said people.

Technology that allows me to write this and keep in contact with the world.

Planes to fly in so I don't have to ride a boat all the way across the ocean and then a train or bus across the US. (Although that would be way fun!)

Erasers so I can fix mistakes when I do Soduko or crossword puzzles.

Fountain pens with erasable ink so I can fix mistakes when I write in my journal or write letters to people.

Cameras that allow me to have a hobby and maybe someday a profession.

Photo editing softwares that let me fill in my free time with changing colors and textures and things of pictures I take.

Euros that are doing so much better than the dollar right now which means when I go home and exchange my money I will get more bang for my buck.

Video iPods that store all my music, photos and videos and allow me to have entertainment as I travel, read, do homework, sleep, or anything really.

Döners that are so delicious it should be illegal.

Frozen, already prepared food that is easy to make and has just the right amount of food for a hungry person like me.

The sun that gives me light and warmth, even though sometimes it is deceitful.

The moon that is just amazing to stare at.

The stars that dot the night sky that let me play connect the dots in whatever order I want to.

Screenwriters that write all the tv shows and movies that I like. They should work all that out and get back to writing.

Video games that help to improve my finger coordination.

Heaters that actually work and help to keep me warm during the cold winter months.

Lamps that light my way so I don't get scared of the dark.

Peanut butter which is just so tasty. If it had cheeks I'd pinch them.

Any candy with peanut butter in it because anything with peanut butter is good. Well, almost anything.

Good health so that I'm not constantly getting poked and prodded by doctors to figure out what's wrong with me.

My scooter that helps me get around the neighborhood and campus back home.

My longboard and skateboard which have both taught me that I need to practice more before I go down really steep hills without a helmet.



The game of raquetball which has provided me with hours of fun, (sometimes unhealthy) competition and exercise.

Frisbees without which I would have nothing to do with friends on long summer afternoons.

Snowboards which provide the same thrill of longboarding but with a much softer landing.

Tissues so that you can blow your nose instead of having snot run down your face and then throw away because carrying your snot around with you is just weird.

Backpacks that let me carry all my stuff in around town or around campus.

Bikes used as an alternative to cars. Economical and healthy.

Life vests so I don't drown in water.

The flight instructions you get every time you fly in case of some emergency.

Everyone on flight United 93 that fought the terrorists.

Firepeople, policepeople, and those in the armed services that everyday work and risk their lives to protect our freedom and try to maintain control.

German Music

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.

Picture

I'm tired

I know I shouldn't be complaining because there are a lot people that have it worse off (aka people with babies) but I'm super tired. This morning I went to wake one of the girls up at 6:20 to get ready for school and she told me she didn't have to go until 9:30. Now it shouldn't be that big of a deal but I don't have to wake up the other kid until around 7 so that means I lost an hour of sleep because once I wake up and walk on that cold tile downstairs I have the hardest time getting back to sleep. Not fun. Any way, I was doing alright until around 12 and I fell asleep for half an hour or so and since then I've been pooped. I'm ready for today to be done with.

They aren't mine!

The past few days the kids have been driving me insane! I don't know what the deal is but it's like everyone in the house has PMS or something. As days go by the kids get worse and worse. They yell, they cry, they tell me they need help with homework and then get mad at me when I try to explain it, they call me stupid, they roll their eyes so much I'm surprised they haven't just rolled right on out of their heads yet. I haven't gotten any of my normal breaks so far this week either. Grandma and Grandpa are gone this week so there was no Oma Tag yesterday after school where the kids stay the whole afternoon with their grandparents and today I had to stay home because Dagmar had a chemo treatment so I stayed to help with the kids instead of going to institute. Hopefully tomorrow it will be ok if I sneak away to my English class for an hour or so. If I make dinner before I pick the kids up from swimming then all they will have to do is eat and go to bed and there shouldn't be any stress for Dagmar. Too bad that will never happen. Whenever the three of them are together there is always arguing of some kind.
All I have to say is that I'm very glad my kids will not turn out like these two. If my kids ever yelled at me so much and told me I was stupid as much as these kids tell their mother I would probably send them to miltary school. I will not be a rug for my kids to walk on and wipe their feet on. I'm not saying that I'm going to be so strict that my kids will fear me, but I will get respect. You show kids respect, they will show it in return.

Bad apple. I mean milk.

As I was eating breakfast today I had to get a new liter of milk out. I had just poured the cereal in my bowl and opened up the milk when I knew something was going to be wrong. As I pulled the tab off the milk, the fresh sealer, I noticed a build up of fat that is not normal especially for 1,5% fat. I put the lid back on and shook it up thinking it just needed a good shake. Boy was I wrong. The milk came out a little chunky. Then I realized why. You can buy two different kinds of milk here, fresh and chemical. The fresh always needs to be refrigerated where as the chemical can sit on your shelf in the pantry for a month or three. Normally we buy the chemical because we have a small frige and there is no room for milk but apparently it was fresh this time sitting on the shelf. So basically we now have nine more liters of chunky milk waiting to be drained.

HOME

I know the day and time when I am coming home. I'm so excited! Friday, February 15 at 10:45 pm. How freaking exciting is that? Only 3 more months!

Stupid

Boys are stupid. Ok, not all boys and not all the time but yeah. It's just confusing I guess. So every Thursday the missionaries have an English class at our little building for anyone around that wants to learn English. I go every week, because they invited me not because I need to learn English, but I'm the only one besides the missionaries that ever goes. It's probably breaking lots of rules but who cares, they don't have anything to do now that it's so dark so early and I have nothing to do so why not do nothing together. We usually talk about things like school, friends back home, crazy Germans, weird people they meet and things like that. It's a lot of fun and it's one of the two things I look forward to every week, the other being institute.
So I just got back from this weeks "lesson" and I don't know what to think about it. First off I have to say Elder S was replaced by a German guy who knows English but hardly said anything tonight. Elder B and I were talking about normal stuff, but every once in a while it would get to the topic of dating. Probably just because this is his last transfer which means he's going home in December and he was talking about not wanting to start dating again or get married any time soon. Since I'm thinking about going to USU and he's going to BYU-I he said he would come down and hang out with me (which he's said before) but then when we were talking about dating he told me I was going to be like an RM and get married right when I get home and I told him I've only been on 4 or 5 dates he said he would take me on a date, something fun and cheap.
Now I'm just all sorts of confused. Elder B is a really cool guy and someone I could see me hanging out with. I'm just not used to having all these guys around. In high school I was never really interested in dating but now that I'm older and priorities have changed a little I'm starting to "notice" guys more. Too bad the only ones I ever talk to all have the first same name. I guess it's just preparing me for going back home and finally entering the dating scene. But hey, at least I have a date if I decide to go to USU.

Support the Troops

If the Red shirt thing is new to you, read below...

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.

"No" he responded.

"Heading out" I asked?

"No. I'm escorting a soldier home."

"Going to pick him up?"
"No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq, I'm taking him home to his family."

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after many conversations in so few days.

I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, "Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do."

Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. He is escorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."

Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American. So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.

Red Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing Red every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the "silent majority." We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing. Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that .. every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something red.

By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of red much like a home coming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in RED and it will let our troops know the once "silent" majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on.

The first thing a soldier says when asked "What can we do to make things better for you?" is "We need your support and your prayers." Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear something red every Friday.

To Write Love On Her Arms

http://www.twloha.com/

Read it. Love it. Embrace it.

Failure

So Sunday I found out that Elder S is getting transferred this week. It's pretty lame but maybe a good thing. Maybe I'll forget about him since I won't be seeing him all the time. That's usually how it goes when I have crushes on people. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Any way, we got our picture taken together after church and then my guest mom was rushing me so much I didn't really have time to think. I just shook his hand and told him to have fun on the rest of his mission and then he said that we'd probably still hear about each other because he'll talk to Elder B, the one that's staying in the ward here. (Does that mean anything?) It wasn't until I had walked out and wondered if I would ever see him again that I remembered I never gave him any contact info. If my guest mom hadn't seemed to be in such a rush I would have gone back in but she kept telling the kids to hurry and what not so I just went to the car and drove away. And that's the end of the story. Or is it?

What the crap?

So last night I went to institute like I try to do every Wednesday night since it gives me a break from being home and I have a few acquaintences there that I like to talk to. I try and get there early, mainly because that means I'm out of the house earlier. Well last night as I was coming out of our little library that we have upstairs I had to sort of cut the corner of another room which just happened to be the room where one of the sister missionaries was teaching a kid English. Sister W (I don't know why but I feel it best to keep anonymity even though none of you have met these people) asked me a question or said something to me as I was leaving so I stopped and talked to her for a second before she told the kid that I was also from the US. He started asking me questions about why I was in Germany and when I was going back and what I would do when I was back and how long I had spoken German and then he told me my German was really good. He said he's only been in Germany a little over a year, he's from Iraq. Any way, when he finally ran out of questions I went and played pool in the other room to kill my time since no one else was there yet. A few people started trickling in and were sitting at the top of the stairs and then about 15 minutes after I started shooting pool the kid came in and started talking to me again. He said that if I wanted to we could go out and get some drinks some time or go to a movie or just hang out. Then he gave me his phone number so that I could call him some time. We played two games of pool (which I lost horribly) before he said that he had to leave. But the weirdest part is that he stopped to talk to some of the people by the stairs before he left and I heard him say that he wanted to look for German friends. He didn't want to be friends with "auslanders" ... I think the word in English is foriegners... because he wanted to learn the language and culture better. That's when I thought, "Well why the heck did you give me your phone number and say that we should hang out? I'm a foriegner!" I've just had a bad experience with guys I just met giving me their phone number. The last guy that did it practically stalked me and then asked me if there was any way I would ever even consider marrying him if he wasn't my religion. When I told him no he just went in to the big rant about how religion is ruining the world and it's the cause of all our problems. And then he asked "What's the point in being friends with someone if you know there's no future? That's all you are is just friends? Why would you want to do that?" So basically I said no and after that night I haven't seen him since. Which is a good thing. But kind of bad because I drew something that I want to get put on a shirt and that's the kind of thing he does for work, he owns a copy shop and prints on shirts, pillows, makes signs and posters, etc. and now I would just feel awkward going to his shop and having him do it for me. Maybe I'll just have to wait until I get home. Oh well. So yeah, that's my weird phone number story. Random, unorganized, and one freakishly long paragraph.

Tag! You're it!

Thanks for tagging me X...

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning. B. Each player lists 6 facts/habits about themselves. C. At the end of the post, the player then tags 6 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. I love ultimate frisbee! It's one of the bestest games ever and I can't wait until I go home and I can throw a disc around again. It's been far too long since I've had a regulation weight piece of round plastic glide from my fingers and sail effortlessly through the air until striking another pair of hands. ULTIMATE!!

2. I tend to do things with my right side first. When I put my pants on, my right leg goes in first. When I put socks on, my right foot gets warm first. My first stride is with my right leg. When I put a jacket, teeshirt or coat on, my right arm goes first. When I pop my knuckles, my right side always goes first whether it be my fingers, elbows, shoulder, knee or ankle. I always try for the right side first, unconciously of course.

3. I have a skill for getting random guys telephone numbers. I don't know what it is about me but I suppose I just have the kind of face where guys from random countries like Iraq or Algeria (I think) look at me and think I bet she wants my number... I'll give it to her. It's really weird. But then I have an even better skill of seeing them a ton of times right after they give it to me. Insane.

4. Sometimes when I write I get tired of holding the pen the normal way so I switch it up a little. You have to stay on your toes, keep the mind juices flowing, and the best way to do that is to challenge your hand a little.

5. Whenever I pull a bowl out of the cupboard I wipe it out on the inside of my shirt or sweatshirt before I put my cereal in it. Mainly because I know it doesn't get cleaned very well and even though I know wiping it with my shirt won't really do a whole lot to clean it there is just something about the motion that puts my nerves at ease.

6. I don't sleep when I travel. Or at least I try my hardest not to. Perhaps it's because when I was younger and my family took vacations my siblings would throw things in my mouth. Maybe it's because I don't know if I talk in my sleep and I don't want to run the risk of telling the strange man next to me that I love him. Or drool on him. Or lean on him. There are just so many things that can go wrong when you travel with strangers.

Well I don't know 6 people with blogs but I'll tag Jeanne, Angie, and Janae. They are all really cool and most definitely worth two spots each.

The World May Never Know

That's basically how I feel right now. There is so much going through my mind that I don't even know where to start. I guess we'll start at the beginning of my day and hopefully that will make a little sense. I woke up this morning around 7 and apparently I fell asleep with the lights and tv on. After turning everything off and trying to figure out how long I had already been asleep I figured 7 was too early to be up on a day with nothing to do so I went back to bed. As I was sleeping I had a weird dream. I don't remember a lot of details but I know that I was looking for my cell phone because I didn't know my number but I needed to give it to a guy (yes I know who the guy is, we'll get to that) so I had to look it up in my phone. Well I wasn't having any luck finding the phone but we found lots of random stuff in my back pack and we just started playing with that instead. There first few seconds after I woke up I was happy. And then reality set in and I remembered it was just a dream. All day today that dream has been playing itself over and over in my head and it's driving me crazy.

The boy in the dream is the boy that I have a crush on. The only problem with me having a crush on him is that he's currently on a mission for our church. We're both from about the same area and we both are going home around the same time. My main problem is, I don't know how he feels about me. This is such a problem because I can't just go up to him and ask, "Hey Elder, wanna go on a date in four months?" My friends keep telling me that I should just give him my contact info before he transfers (which could be next week) and if anything happens, great, and if not then it's no big deal. Really I have nothing to lose. If that's the case, why am I so nervous?

Last week I was talking to the Elders at our English class (the Elders started it up about two months ago and so far only once have people shown up but we keep doing it just in case) mainly just about random stuff. One Elder, we'll call him Elder B, and I were talking about ice blocking and how he's never done it. Then we started talking about how to make an ultimate ice block, fill a whole freezer with water, and then having to have a truck to take it back up the hill every time. Since he's from ID and I'm thinking about going to USU we said that we would get together and try doing it. Then Elder S, the one I like, said that he would go up there too even though he goes to BYU. Elder B and Elder S aren't really the type of people that would hang out with each other, but I think I would hang out with both of them separately. Any way, I'm probably just reading too much into that.

Elder S has been in my ward now for 5 months. We talk at least a little bit every week, especially with this English class. But during those conversations he's mentioned a girlfriend once or twice. It never sounded serious, but just the possiblity that there is someone back home... I don't know what to think about that. Sometimes I catch him just looking at me, or at least in my general direction because when I glance at him he'll look away real quick. I don't know if that means anything though. Maybe it just means that since I usually sit across from him that's the most natural place to look. Or maybe it means he's rethinking the decision to go to USU? (Maybe wishful thinking on my part...)

Why are guys so confusing? Why is this turning in to such a big thing for me? Why am I posting this on the web for all to see? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

The world may never know.

I'm such a girl

New shoes! They freaking rock! Wow... I can be such a girl at times.

It's been one week

So I have been with the kids, without parents, for a little over a week now and so far I think things are going really well. A friend of mine came to stay with me to help me out though so it's been really nice. Actually my friend that's staying with me is American. And get this, she's in my stake back home. We lived in the same stake in Utah for three years and it took us both moving to the same stake in Germany to meet. How cool is that? Any way, it's been nice to have someone else around to help me with the kids and it's even better that she's American. I know that I should be trying to learn more German but it's just nice to speak English some times. And really we've got a pretty good handle on Denglisch (dang-lish) so it works pretty well.

I hate to say it but the girls are much more relaxed when their mom isn't here. It makes life so much better...except now I'm the one that has to clean and cook and settle all the arguments and do all the shopping. I'm only 20! I'm not ready to have a 10 year old and a 7 year old to take care of. Hopefully being on vacation for two weeks will help her to relax and calm down so that she isn't so high strung when she gets back. *knock on wood* Kids are so much more pleasant when they're under little stress. So nice. The older one has been throwing fewer tantrums, I don't think there have been any actually. Well maybe one but it was weak sauce compared to her normal.

All in all things are going very well. Only one more week until the parental figures come back. I'm excited. Maybe I'll take a short, well deserved vacation.

Don't pretend to know

One of my biggest pet peeves: "I know how you feel."

I cannot stand it when people say that because it's a flat out lie. No one knows exactly how I feel. It wouldn't be so bad if you said "I can see how you would feel that way" or something of the like but do not come out and tell me that you know how I feel. Even people that go through the same experience don't have the same feelings because they have different backgrounds and other experiences that shape who they have become and how they feel now.

Yesterday there was a stake Relief Society thing all day, we each had two workshops to go to with lunch in between. The day started with me only getting about 5 and a half hours of sleep, having a bad hair day and then not having time to eat breakfast. We got to the stake center (an hour drive) and had an opening song and prayer together before we split for our first workshops. As we left we had to take a small cut out heart because whatever color we had is what table we had to sit at for lunch and each color had a different dish. My first workshop was the sport activity where we did a little yoga and I was quickly reminded of how unflexible and weak I am. It was good though because I've been thinking about doing yoga since I have so much free time.

We ended class a little early so I pulled out my ipod and listened to some music and went through the pictures I have on it. They are all from back home and brought the memories flooding back, which at the time I didn't think was bad because they were all good memories of fun that I've had with friends or funny pictures from the internet.

When it was finally time for lunch I went and sat at my table and knew right away I wasn't going to like it. The salad was... I actually don't even really know what the stuff is but it's purple and gross. I thought there were slices of apple on top so I was excited about that but when time came to eat them they turned out to be pears which I'm not such a fan of. Then we had this soup which seriously was lacking some spices/seasoning (gewürtz). I'm not sure what all was in it except for carrots (I don't like mushy carrots) and snow peas or something... pea pods which I do like. Then there was stuff that kind of looked like wheat that wasn't so tasty but I ate it just for the mere fact that I was starving and I needed to eat something. Then we got to dessert which I was looking forward to because the bowl of pudding had been mocking me the whole meal. I dug into that. And then stopped digging and more played with it. It was kind of gritty and tasted like there was wheat in there and it wasn't very sweet. It was like fat free sugar free pudding or something. I ate less than half of it. The only good thing about the lunch was the water and that wasn't even the best because I'm not such a fan of lemon water but it sure beats the heck out of the nasty mineral water they drink here.

I finally got tired of staring at the disgusting food so I got up and walked out. But that also has to do with the fact that I was on the verge of crying and I certainly didn't want to do it infront of the whole stake. So I went to the bathroom and tried pulling myself together and when I thought it was safe to go out again I went to the gym to grab my bag and I went to the room where my next class was. As I walked in the teacher came in with me and she started talking to me. After asking my name she asked me where I was from (I have a very unGerman way of pronouncing my first name even though it is pretty popular over here.) and what I was doing in Germany. That's when I lost it for the second time. I again went to the bathroom and tried pulling myself together. I went back to the classroom and she asked me if I wanted to talk about it. (That's what you should do, FYI. Ask if you can butt into someone's personal problems, not just rush over and gawk at them and pester them until the forget their problems and end up just being mad at you.) I just shook my head and she said OK, asked me if I understood when she and her brother (the other teacher) spoke German, I nodded, and she left me alone. I tried to preoccupy myself with writing so as to not have to look up and have people notice that I was crying (and luckily we weren't supposed to be talking anyway when we came in the room because the class was 'good thoughts through good music' so we just had to listen to the music) but that only worked so long.

The class started and since there were only about ten of us we went around the circle and introduced ourselves. I had planned everything out in my head as to what I would say and how to say it so that it was mostly grammatically correct but for some reason when it got to be my turn I just couldn't do it. I waved them on, waited for about 30 seconds and couldn't take it anymore so I left and went to the bathroom yet again. This time there was some one in there and she asked if I was ok. I just told her that I'm American and I was a little homesick and that's when a lady from my ward came in. She was in the workshop with me and came to check up on me I guess. I first started to get annoyed with her when she basically pushed the other lady out of the way. The lady had asked me a question that I hadn't answered yet and Sabine (from my ward) was just like "Thanks but I'm here now." That bugged me. If people want to be nice, let them. No one asked you to come in here and check on me, at least I know I certainly didn't. Then the next thing that bothered me was that she stood there and watched me blow my nose. Now this may be more information than you want so if you get squeamish by the littlest things skip this part until the five asterics. I had more snot yesterday than I knew was humanly possible. I mean when I blew my nose it soaked through all four layers of the paper towels I was using (which hurt by the way). But Sabine just stood there and said "Blow it all out." That's when I went into a stall and didn't go back out until my nose was empty and I knew she was gone. ***** I was just getting things composed when Sabine walked back in with Erica, also in our ward and the stake RS president. So now I had two people with their panties in a twist over me. Now comes the next thing that annoyed me about Sabine, what I opened this blog with. She told me that she knew how I felt. When she was younger she moved to a new town and didn't have any friends. But oh wait, she still lived with her family and she was still in Germany where she knew the language. It was her own freaking fault she didn't have friends. That is absolutely nothing like what I'm going through.

What am I going through? I'm more than 5,000 miles from home in a country with a different language that I'm still learning and no friends. There are two other people around my age in my ward (branch really) but one of them is a strange boy who is moving to Hamburg pretty soon and whom I've hardly said more than two sentences at a time to and the other one is almost 5 years older than me and has a 1 and a half year old girl. The only "friends" I have here are more acquaintences and all live an hour away from me. Either that or they're missionaries and can't hang out. The closest we get to hanging out is talking for an hour or hour and a half on Thursdays because no one shows up to the English class that they started. Also, my guest parents are leaving on Thursday for two and a half weeks leaving me alone with the two girls to basically fend for myself. Aforementioned Erica is basically in the family and she told me if I needed help I could call her but I'm pretty much alone. But here's the kicker, my guest parents are going to Salt Lake for half of their time in the US and they'll most likely meet up with my parents and have a grand ol' time in my town.

Any way, I finally got back to some what normal and went back to class. I cried a few more times, not too serious though, more just like a leaky faucet that drips occasionally. And it was because of the stupidest things, like listening to a song by Elvis, or knowing that the song was called Give it to Me and is by Timbaland, Timberlake, and Furtado or not knowing the German national anthem or talking about the American national anthem. It was just all really weird and random and I felt really stupid because I couldn't stop crying. It was just months worth of emotions that had all built up and I finally erupted. I was a volcano of emotion, unpredictable and uncontrolable.

Confusing

I made myself a sandwich for dinner tonight and I was getting everything out and toasting my bread I thought "Hey this is basically a BLT." Then as I was slicing my tomato I got to thinking of what BLT stands for; bacon, lettuce, tomato. I looked at the things on the counter and realized the only way it resmbled a BLT as the fact that I had the T. Other than that it was mozarella cheese and some lunch meat. I don't even know what kind of meat it was... turkey, chicken, pig, horse, platypus? No idea.


Cars are not cute. There is nothing cute about a one ton hunk of machinery. And yet they can be hot or ugly.


This blog made absolutely no sense. I'll probably delete it later...

Silence really is golden

You would think after 7 months living with something that you would get used to it, but you don't. Or maybe it's that after a certain time you get used to it and then after a little bit of being used to it and tuning it out that it just becomes annoying, sometimes unbearably so. This thing that I speak of is yelling. I have lived 7 months with a family that yells almost constantly, whether it's because they're excited or mad or want attention or just because they can. It's only quiet when no one is around.
Those are the golden moments. Those are the moments when I just stand in the hall at the top of the stairs and listen to the sounds of the house. The unsyncronized ticking of the clocks, the hum of the heaters, the whistling wind and usually the rain dancing on the roof. Those are the moments I treasure. They are rare.
Maybe van Gogh had the right idea when he chopped of his ear. Sure it was because he was crazy, but I think there was some sense to it. Maybe he grew up in a family that yelled all the time too. Maybe he just got so sick of it that he took a knife to his ear. Or maybe it was just because he thought it would shut up the voices in his head.
I count the days until I can go back to the silence of my home. There it's only the sound of hammers, drills and saws. It's quiet there. Home is where my sanity is.

Inspire

Inspire

1. to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence: His courage inspired his followers.

2. to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.): to inspire confidence in others.

3. to fill or affect with a specified feeling, thought, etc.: to inspire a person with distrust.

4. to influence or impel: Competition inspired her to greater efforts.

5. to animate, as an influence, feeling, thought, or the like, does: They were inspired by a belief in a better future.

6. to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence: writings inspired by God.

7. to guide or control by divine influence.

8. to prompt or instigate (utterances, acts, etc.) by influence, without avowal of responsibility.

9. to give rise to, bring about, cause, etc.: a philosophy that inspired a revolution.

10. to take (air, gases, etc.) into the lungs in breathing; inhale.

11. Archaic.
a. to infuse (breath, life, etc.) by breathing (usually fol. by into).

b. to breathe into or upon.

–verb (used without object)

12. to give inspiration.

13. to inhale.




I have been inspired. What an inspiring idea. What was the inspiration? You inspire me. People that believe in me, inspire me. Places where I can publish my work inspire me. Clouds, ants, grass, flowers, horses, plowed fields, dreams, friends, family, music, books, speeches, babies, love, friendship, fun, sorrow, pain, anger, school, weekends, nature. Everything I see, everything I feel, everything I think. Sometimes I let them pass me by, good ideas gone to waste. And sometimes, I write. Thank you for believing in me, trusting me, and supporting me. You are my inspiration today. You are my inspiration always.

To be or not to be?

"I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence."
--Frederick Douglass

I found this quote as I was reading his book "A Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass" which I have to write a book report on. I've been thinking about it all day and how true this should be for all of us. I'm not sure if it's just me but I've had some difficulty finding out who I really am and who I'm going to be in the future. I'm just at that point in life, 20 years old and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm living in a different country surrounded by things that are totally alien to me and basically my life is turned upside down. I have no idea what to do.
My life has been spent hiding behind this mask of what I thought people wanted me to be. The only problem is, I've been back there so long I forgot what the real me looks like. How do you find who you really are? Does it just jump out from the background, put both hands on the sides of your face and tell you to open your eyes and look yourself in the face? Or has it been so trodden on that once you finally start looking for it and calling it's name, it has to wake up and reorient itself with it's surroundings before it starts to play Marco Polo with you? When you find who you really are, do you come out a little at a time like a chick hatching from an egg? Or do you just burst out like those people that hide in fake cakes and jump out of the top and surprise everyone?
Life is full of so many questions. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I want to do with my life? Who are my true friends? Am I really what I think I am? Where am I?

I will rebel in my own way. I don't need you as an example. I won't follow your footsteps to darkness. I'll make my own where I want and when I want and how I want. No one can change my life except me, so stop trying. Me rebellion is my own.
Maybe I'll drink and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll eat and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll write and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll stop and maybe I won't. It doesn't matter what clothes I wear. It doesn't matter what I put on my skin. I don't care what you think when I walk by, I only care what I think when I look in the mirror, if I look int he mirror.
I will rebel in my own way. I don't need you as an example. I won't follow your footsteps to darkness. I'll make my own where I want and when I want and how I want. No one can change my life except me, so stop trying. My rebellion is my own.
Maybe I'll skate and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll play and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll live and maybe I won't. Maybe I'll laugh and maybe I won't. It doesn't matter what movies I watch. It doesn't matter where I work. I don't care if you don't ike the person I have become. If I am happy then that should be all that matters to anyone. It's my life and I will rebel in my own way. No one can change who I am.
I will rebel in my own way. I don't need you as an example. I won't follow your footsteps to darkness. I'll make my own where I want and when I want and how I want. No one can change my life except me, so stop trying. My rebellion is my own.

I've got to figure out who I am. Don't judge me. Don't ridicule me. Just be a friend. If you can't handle that, walk away. I need to do what's right for me, not for the rest of the world. It's time to take a moment for myself. Find out who the real me is. How I dress, talk, walk, do my hair, act. Everything.

My baby blog

This is my first blog on a true blogging site. Isn't that good to know. I'm not sure exactly what to say though. My friend told me I should try doing this instead of sending emails because I can post pictures on this site as well and I've been having trouble sending pictures per email this week. Mainly because I can't find the right program on the computer to decrease the size of my pictures. Sometimes I forget how much German I really don't know.
So, that's it for now. Hopefully we'll get this site up and going soon but right now I have other things I need to do.